Today I have a couple of themes to address: Duality and Judgment.
This morning I woke up to my daily Om message in my inbox and it was on practicing non-judgment of others: TODAY.
Today also happened to be my first time ever attending traffic court; I had my first speeding ticket in decades (if not ever) and wanted to get supervision.
The court room was packed with representation from every demographic. The interesting thing was that I wasn't really fighting an impulse to judge "them," I was wanting to judge "us" with a heavy emphasis on myself. As I jokingly put on my Facebook status afterwards, "I felt dirty." It was so interesting how all of my early years of trying to be a good little girl came flooding back to me. Just like when I finally broke my run of straight A's and got my first B, I had similar feelings about this ticket. Dang, I'm not going to be in this country long enough to earn my status back of regularly getting those safety citations in the mail.
I can hear my kids and other folks saying-- who cares???
And that leads me to contemplate internal motivation verses external motivation. For some reason I have always been driven to do my best-- for myself. I didn't like the idea of getting caught doing something stupid when I was in school (not that I didn't, but I flew under the radar for the most part). Now, at 49, I've gotten a concrete reminder that I still don't like the feeling of sitting with the other kids in the principal's office--even though many of them were/are my very best friends. And I can no longer blame it on fear of execution by parental fire.
Yes, trouble makes me feel . . . dirty.
My intuitive body/energy worker kept getting messages regarding Duality as she worked on me yesterday, specifically in terms of pondering our upcoming life change and move to New Zealand.
Even today-- sitting in the principal's office again-- was a lesson on duality.
So I thought I'd try a little free writing to share with my writer's group tomorrow:
Duality of Going
to rise or fall
to stay or go
to go and go
and with going bring love's most bleeding love
to love for love
for love is all one has
to stretch across the oceans
the deepest depths
over fault lines
to not panic with a tremor of the earth
but know that the flutter of my heart
will travel to you
and my heart will be in your heart
and yours in mine
but most importantly
for it is always