Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~Kahil Gibran
Taken this morning just as I dropped Atticus off to school and received the text from Stephen that he was departing for NZ
As my love travels through the air, at this very moment, to get to New Zealand, my month of independent (+ 6 year old) exploration in a new land comes to a close. I know I won't remember how this feels unless I make a note of it. This journey has been one of excitement spawned by discovering a land full of natural beauty at every turn and discovering, within myself, that I am able to tap in to independence and strength; with such a supportive and giving partner who is with me in every time of need, I wasn't quite sure I still had the ability to not only survive but thrive.
Memories and lessons I hope to keep with me from this month include~
- if I open my eyes to the beauty surrounding me I experience miracles every day
- letting go of fear and negativity is the first step to being open to living those miracles
- any illusion I had of being the "fixer" or the glue in my life and relationships was just that: an illusion
- ultimately I can only control my peace of mind and my ability to see the beauty in the world and that is the focus I need to keep; it is so clear that "miracle vision" is occluded when taking on others' issues or too much at one time
During times of stress or difficulty I was always mindful of how fortunate I was to live in such a serene dwelling on such a lovely lake in Illinois. Stephen and I would go on 20 and 30 mile bike rides and wind through Lake Sangchris and the central Illinois countryside and without fail we would marvel at how lucky we were.
Did I have to move thousands of miles away to experience more profound beauty? Hmmm. No? (note ambivalence . . . it is soooo beautiful here) Do I believe that this move is part of a bigger plan and that I am seeing signs of it with daily waves of synchronicity? Yes.
The latest "coincidence" was contacting a local horse farm about riding, going to her place on Sunday while a local riders club met, exchanging information about what we do and being welcomed to come look into volunteering at RDA (click to see website). Prior to leaving on this journey I told Stephen- "You know, I think I could get my horse fix if I just helped out at a barn." With meeting Cathy I have the opportunity to get my "fix" and give back with lovely clientele at the same time. And in the mean time Cathy introduced me to the huge Paint, Clydesdale mix, King Arthur, and asked me if I wanted to ride at the next riders meeting later in the month; I groomed him and loved on him.
I could not have made that dream happen if I tried . . .
That's just one example of many miraculous connections that have happened to a new girl that was totally cool with just having solitude, nesting and writing for the month.
I am blessed.
This past month I have had an intimate reminder that our most cherished partners may not be here as long as we would like them in our lives. Previously, I felt that if I had to experience the loss of my partner I would be rendered helpless- as if I'd lost my limbs . . . and my heart. And while suffering but a glimpse of another's pain I know, without a doubt, that I would be rendered incapacitated for who knows how long but this month has taught me that inside, no matter what else is going on . . . illness, situational stressors, transition . . . I can tap into strength and live independently. It is absolutely NO comparison I know, but a very minute, still part of me has an inkling I might just make it which has let me switch a paradigm of fear of the impossible into a paradigm of trust and hope in myself.
I am blessed.