Thursday, 14 December 2017

Don't let 2017 fool you: you are not alone

after my return from being with my brother, mom holding my brother's memorial card by some flowers that had been put out for him and reblossomed with no water. she, my husband and son  had a goodbye for him at that spot.
It's been a heart crusher of a year.

As if dealing with D.T. as president of the US and the predator scum, one by one floating to the surface, wasn't enough– many of us have experienced undue personal grief and tragedy.

Personally, having my mom, who lived with me, and my brother-- both who were my soul-connections within my family of origin-- *cross-over this year has slammed me.

I was by my brother's side during parts of his illness and at his death on January 13th of this year. With mom living with us for the past two years, and her very cognisant and verbal narration of her long good-bye over this year, I physically and emotionally feel rode hard and put up wet (one of her southern sayings).

Mom had said throughout my life, a parent should never outlive their child. Her exit was paved, in part, by the trail out of here that my brother had blazed. She was also 94 and felt she'd fought the good fight and pondered her readiness to check out the whole year until her final announcement which heralded her exit a little over 24 hours later. (another story)

The bigger fallout of those events is that my mom and my brother were the people in my birth family that I could turn to over my entire life to hash out family *stuff.*  We spoke the same language. We had lived with the same abuser. We commiserated about dynamics within our family. For my brother and my mom-- we were each others' therapists. And effective ones at that. 

So now I am very conscious of a deep aloneness that I am left with when it comes to that part of my life. Imagining them together and remembering my mom's beautiful, relaxed smile at the end of life that told me that she was where she wanted to be and in loved ones' presence is the wave of energy I attempt to ride when it all just feels too much. 

My job now is to establish a new normal.  While feeling as if I am walking on a cloud that one minute will support me and the next moment a leg totally falls through and leaves me dangling, I strive to find stable ground again. 

There are people that have had it much worse than me. I haven't lost a child, but I'll tell you, getting hit this heavy and with everything going on in the world, it brings concerns like that more to the fore for me and that is not a good place to live. 

Reality visited. Death came and reminded me how much it is a part of life. I walked both my brother and my mother to *the other side.  The ache of their absence feels quite acute; I'm adjusting to the internal shifts from the aftershocks of their deaths. 

Last year at this time I was so ready to say goodbye to 2016 because the entire year my brother was battling his illness and it wreaked havoc on us all. I hoped upon hope that 2017 would show us some light. Instead it was a rapid whoosh of emotional turbulence. Not the wee kind but the monster variety.

There was light in 2017; it's just difficult to see at times. I want to beg 2018 to be a kinder and gentler version of a year. 

I want to ask Death and Tragedy to take a miss of those I love, if it would be so kind.

I want to peel off this cotton wool I am attempting to wrap my emotional self in because it is not working and it is suffocating me. 

Home is where the heart is . . . and I know that Home is "the other side" where my momma and my sweet brother wait.

In the mean time they want joy for me and my family; I was told that repeatedly. And I know if they are peeking in on me, they do not want to see me letting sadness steal my days.

My tender heart will heal but the scars will hold the many stories of deep loss that only comes with deep love. 

No more believing in the magic of a new year. 

No counting on others to pull me out of the abyss.

Each moment is a new beginning and my work is to find my way with each breath.

If only we could count on a "happy" new year to give us a break, but alas, we cannot.

Here's to everyone needing support and understanding as they navigate their way after great loss-- those that have lost relationships or connection or people or soulmate pets or have lost a sense of inner peace or your identity or sense of health and safety . . . the list trails into 2018 and beyond.

You are not alone.

* during my mother's death process she referred to it repeatedly as "crossing over" and "the other side." these were terms I had never heard her say before and since she was plugged directly into the Great Mystery, I am convinced she had direct knowledge and those will be my terms forever more. one day I will write about the magical experience of her good-bye.

Sunday, 29 October 2017

Silence Update

It's been a year.

My gap in writing for elephant journal and here is reflective of that year.

A year full of grace and doubt and immense sorrow and the passion of walking loved ones Home, all intermingled with the immense joy of their living.

And I'm now here, in part, to announce a project that has been brewing but with the beautiful "crossing over" (her words) of my 95 year old mother– it is now time to share.

Actually two projects are in motion.

One is the staging of a production of The Vagina Monologues for V-Day 2018 which will be held in February. Information about that project is HERE. Come join us!

Another I am very excited about, but will be some time for it to come to completion is (working name): The Death Dialogues. You can see more about that HERE. Come along and follow the process. Maybe you have something to contribute.

I have some catching up to do on life and still have a trip for my mother's memorial service and we are getting into the holidays with lovely family and friends visiting, but I'll endeavour to check in here more often.

Love your people.

Let them know.

Tell them what you are grateful for about them.

Leave this planet or watch others leave with as few regrets as possible.

my gorgeous roommate for the last two years
RIP Momma

Saturday, 19 August 2017

An Anthem for the Non-Haters by India Arie

An anthem for these days: 

This performance speaks to me on so many levels in the face of what feels like helpless.

Breath is the centre of my work.

And one little line in there made me think a certain someone put this song in front of me.

Take a moment to turn it up.


And breathe. 

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

Human seeking Human

Flashback to nursing school in 1981.

The near elderly nursing instructor, with her pillbox white hat pinned to her short hair, purses her painted red lips, eyes narrow to a "don't mess with me" gaze, "Don't ever, I mean ever, let me hear of you crying or becoming emotional in front of a patient."

Fast forward to therapy training where we were made to unpack every bit of our historical baggage, analyse it (or have it analysed) and neatly re-stack it onto the moving train called "Life," done and dusted, never to need to be re-opened as you received your ordination as the great Oz.

And the great Oz we all were.

Standing behind the heavy, dank drape, puppeting what we'd been taught to approach a patient with, in any given situation, as if it was a game of Battleship. Patient has moved to F5 (turbulent waters of heightened anxiety) return hit with D2 (3 sessions focussing on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

Don't let them see you sweat.

Never risk countertransference.
Don't talk about yourself.
Never show that you've had your own issues.

Watch your body language; stiff and professional but open.

And many of my colleagues did not need these reminders: They felt so full of their own damn selves, after becoming credentialed, that they swore off ever having to see a practitioner in their own field. As if it was a sign of weakness.

After all, they were the expert now.

Fully realising that much of that training was put into place to help contain the renegades that had primarily gone into the field to heal their own battle scars, the training in non-humanness (of superiority) certainly has had a lasting effect on some of those in the helping field.  Psychotherapists, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers-- any type of helper or "healer."

Supervision frequently is spent ticking off a list of "cases"(excuse me, but those are people)  rather than discussing any emotional upheaval you are having in your own life.

Groundbreaking research by Scott Miller et al. was responsible for the first crack in my already gaping armour. Their research showed that it wasn't the modality of therapy that warranted a positive outcome; it was the client's perception of the relationship with their therapist that correlated with optimal outcomes.

I loved it.

All the experts that hid behind further labels and initials of the particular type of specialty therapy had their cover blown.

And really no mystery at all, it answered the question of why some of the most brilliant practitioners, who had the information down like the back of their hand, couldn't manage to hold a client list and had to venture out into some other derivative that had not been in their initial plan.(people want their information to be held and honoured by other people-- not robotic knowledge-holders)

With further years under my belt, 22 as a psychotherapist and 35 total in mental health/human services, life has happened. 
With a capital L. 

I won't list it all here to spare you the shock but (gasp), me and the members of my family and social (whanau) network are totally human, therefore there has been trauma and crisis and relationship issues and all sorts of big and juicy ingredients of life.
I'm not writing this as a pubic service announcement for myself, I'm writing this for the consumer; the person that might be looking for a therapist and for the wounded therapists out there.  

The same as I really don't want to speak with someone about my parenting angst if they have never had children (seriously, you will totally get this once you have kids people)– do I want to speak with someone that hasn't peered into life's abyss when I am feeling shattered?
For all of you helpers out there– if you are holding up a facade of everything is always peachy in my life: Let it down.

Do your work so that you may do more effective work with your clientele.
If you are seeking help?

It's okay to ask your potential therapist if they have had any personal experience in this particular terrain.
And if the response is, "We are here to talk about you, not me?"

Run like hell.

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

13 REASONS WHY: the verdict


This is written from the perspective of a former teenager, a mental health professional who has worked with many people experiencing suicidal ideation or whom have attempted suicide, a former high school counsellor, a psychotherapist that saw a fair amount of teenagers in her private practice, a person who has been at the aftermath of one too many suicides and a mother with a blended family of nine.

We can talk until we are blue in the face about the reality of working with this clientele– practicing boundaries to keep myself sane working with such complex people feeling absolutely despondent. Tortured. 

But, it's helping during the aftermath that was always the hardest.

It was the aftermath that has made me go into my own teenager's room late at night after returning from a scene and beg them to swear to me they will never, ever, resort to taking their own life.

And the aftermath that has made me already have that talk with my almost 13 year old.

Granted I've been a bit "checked out" from popular culture over the past six months, but I first began hearing about the Netflix series "13 Reasons Why" relatively recently and always from a negative context. 

We shouldn't be exposing our kids to the topic of suicide.

Aren't we just giving them ideas?

How can they show graphic scenes of a suicide?

The show doesn't even mention depression in the context of the suicide.

So I decided to watch it. 

With my professional background and being a parent, I thought maybe I could have an informed critique. 

And I was extremely impressed with the handling of the topic and the overall production.  

The following are some thoughts on the matter intermingled with a few things to consider if you are contemplating your child watching the show.

Let's start with the big stuff: The graphic portrayal of suicide. 

First take a moment and ponder how much violence on television or movies or video games or language that you think your kids have been exposed to during their lifetime.  Unless you are homeschooling sans TV or electronics and living out in the wilderness, I strongly doubt that your children have not been exposed to gratuitious violence.

The suicide scene is on the last episode. It starts when the counter is at 23:15 and by 20:00 when I remembered to look back at the time the entire scene, including her being found, was well and truly over. 

Skip it if you want to avoid that scene. It's a split second within the entire series and you don't have to see it.  If you are in the camp of hear no, see no, speak no, this may sound kind of disgusting, but it was handled as respectfully as it could have possibly been and if we expose ourselves and others to watching others' deaths for entertainment? This is not the issue on which people need to be focusing their disagreement with the show.

From what I'd read I expected that there were flashbacks to the scene all throughout the episodes. 

There were not.

In fact, the cause of death was not discussed much. It was reflected in a hallucinatory scene with Clay at a school dance, with Hannah appearing on the gym floor bleeding from her wrists (the only other suggestively graphic scene and nothing kids haven't seen if they've watched horror flicks or any violence-- less bloody than Carrie).  And at some point someone mentions Hannah slitting her wrists.  

The gym scene carries great weight because by then you really care about and "get" Hannah, so yes, it touches your heart. Which is what we want from ourselves and teens. Empathy. A NO, how could she do that, she had so much to live for reaction.

So no, I did not feel that the mode of suicide was handled gratuitously.  It could have been so much more graphic. They were thoughtful.

What I do realise within that conversation is that it is the fear of the aftermath that keeps people so afraid of watching or having their teens watch that scene.

The thought that we might be a party to our teen picking up on any ideas and that we could possibly ever walk into a scene such as that is overwhelming and it's just easier to keep that topic on the back shelf.

However, this leads to my second point.

I'm strongly inclined to believe that this piece is maybe even more important for adults to watch than teens. Parents, school staff, counsellors, psychologists, coaches and the like. 

In fact, if I ran a high school (rue the day) I'd want to conduct a mandatory group watching and processing of each episode. 

The processing would be as much about sexual discrimination and assault as the headline topic of this series. These issues are rampant and the socialising of that behaviour starts in these communities. 

It needs to stop.

Although prevention of suicide is an important topic, the comments I read saying that it was absolutely wrong for "13 reasons" to say the suicide had anything to do with others' actions, it was depression, were possibly covering for their discomfort at thinking it could be possible to drive another to suicide.

When a young child or teen kills themselves my first question is "what were they trying to escape from?" 

Rarely does their suicidal despondency arrive in a vacuum. There's frequently a last straw. And in those age groups you start looking at where in their lives they were feeling trapped or marginalised or helpless. 

And sometimes it's like the perfect student who was cheerful at home and school and had no recent issues or stressors and one day received a below satisfactory mark on a test and fearing her father's disappointment left school early, drove down her long driveway and shot herself before her parents arrived home.


It happens. Out of nowhere sometimes. That's why parenting or looking after children is a daunting task not for the feint of heart.

13 reasons displays layer by layer the complexities of the high school relationships and hierarchy. It shows us how little, we as parents or school staff, really know about what is going on between these kids and each other inside and outside the school's walls.

I had the privilege of hearing stories, in confidence, behind closed doors when I worked in the U.S. from many teens. 

Nothing I saw on "13 Reasons Why" shocked me. 

It should have.

It's disgusting that it didn't.

Even almost fifteen years ago the stories coming from small rural farming communities in mid-America about sex parties, alcohol, drugs, and the like, were mind-blowing. 

And my kids wondered why I was "strict." I was hearing from the front lines and there was no way I could keep my head in the sand.

In my biological kids' own prosperous suburban school district the number of suicides was staggering. 

So friends, we can negate a show that illustrates what our teens are really being exposed to or just ignore it all, keeping your head deeply immersed in the sand. 

Either way suicides and rapes and harassment are still going to occur, but I'd argue that the only way they may lessen is if we all stop playing ostrich and pretending that, no, this doesn't happen in our world and start looking around and having the difficult conversations.  

Within our families. 

Within our communities. 

Within our schools. 

Depression? Here's a newsflash. 

Depression in teens doesn't look like it does in other populations. 

No, this show didn't talk about depression too much, but it sure as hell illustrated it. To the point that (without giving too much away) I was able to correctly project some future behaviours based on the great acting and foresight the writers and directors had as they went episode to episode.

For the record, teen depression frequently gets missed because a teen may show behavioural changes and signs at home such as increased irritability, less interest in things, more isolating (although isolating at this age is frequently developmentally appropriate as the teen explores there independence). They may even be able to say, "I'm so depressed." Or "I'm not sleeping and feel horrible." 

But herein lies the rub– frequently the depressed teen can go out and socialise and want to hang with their friends and appear "ok" and automatically the adults feel all is well

Parents may even lay it on harder because how dare you try to get out of responsibility saying your depressed or stressed but you are well and good when you hang out with your friends. 

Insert huge conflict right here, which does nothing for anyone's mood.

Forget the deep and important subjects of drugs and alcohol but in the above scenario, the peers are the teens drug of choice. And they do feel better out in that scene. 

That doesn't have to negate there can also be a deep depressive process going on which will make them even more susceptible to the cruelty of the teenage terrain.

Even writing this opens up a Pandora's box that I do not have the room to sort through here: issues of alcohol and substance abuse; internet use and abuse; cyberbullying; sexual responsibility; consent; sexual assault; group norms; and the list goes on.

Back to topic, I appreciated how this show represented diversity within the school community. 

Clearly they were trying to keep it pretty and palatable for their teen audience, but sexual orientation, differing lifestyles and a multi-cultural population were handled in a way that, I believe, could go some distance in dispelling negative stereotypes.


When watching it, I recommend viewing it as a family if your teen wants to watch it at all.

Watch the "13 reasons why: beyond the reasons" together before you watch the series. It came up after I completed the series. It's a good icebreaker with few spoilers and helps set the tone.

Language is horrid on this show. Language is horrid in high school. Talk about it.

Stop and discuss when any viewer has discomfort and when there are times you want to check in: do you see this at your school? Has this ever happened to anyone you know? (you may hear spontaneous comments like-- oh that kid is just like ____)

Strive to be the sanctuary for your kids. Strive to have the door open just wide enough that even your surly teen knows that if the worst was happening: you have their back.

Sit at your kid's bedside and ask them to promise that they would never, ever, ever take their own life and to come to you if they ever feel that horrible.

And understand in your own heart and mind that there are no absolute guarantees in this life. I've seen the most amazing parents have to walk this horrid walk. We just have to do what we can and then try to let go of the fear.

Have conversations. 


"It has to get better, the way we treat each other and look out for each other. It has to get better somehow." 
                                                                                          –– Clay, 13 Reasons Why

** I'd say PG-13 with a huge emphasis on the PG. My 13 year old has no interest in watching it but we talked about it and he was in the room at times when I watched it. Per usual I would not be comfortable with more sexual scenes and language but we talk about these things ahead of time.  Optimal viewers (besides adults)? Teens in high school. There is nothing in the movie they are not exposed to in one way or another. The important thing in my opinion is the conversation opportunities this breaks open for you. They've probably already watched it if they have the means. Your turn. And discuss. 

13 Reasons Why joins Dear Evan Hansen in responsible productions that I'm thrilled exist to get teens and parents talking, but that's another conversation. 

Monday, 24 April 2017

Radical Self-Care when the Sh*t Hits the Fan

Last year was a bitch for many of us.

I’ll spare re-writing the global list, but add to mine the year-long struggle my brother had with brain cancer and, yes: It more than sucked.
As a self-proclaimed self-care warrior, I knew early in 2016 that if I did not concentrate all of my efforts on maintaining my wellness, I could very easily go down with the stress-ship.
(This piece is published on elephant journal and you can read more HERE

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

words on grief

in the middle of the night

after your first great loss

you walk through the world differently 

innocence fleeting is now obscured 

laugh lines remain 

reminding you of what life

was like before you realised that

everything you've ever loved 

could be gone in one split second

stars now speak to you

dreams hold visits held in layers

some revealed

some held tight

mystery holds your hand

random answers revealed

to unasked questions

and in all the torturous pain

there is one constant 

the only comfort to tuck you in at night

great loss could not knock on our door

had there not been fathomless connection

stories that volumes could never hold

and the deepest of love

great loss gives but one gift:

great love remains

Saturday, 18 February 2017

what's in a name . . .

We talked about our names . . .

Mine is Becky Lynn.  

Not Rebecca.  


His is Thomas Max.

Always and only Max.

He called me Rebecca.

I called him Maxwell.

I told him how I would have loved to have been Rebecca, but really I'd have loved to be called Becca.

The next email he sent me?

I was Becca.

That's the kind of guy he was. 

Trying to make people's dreams come true. 

Big big love to you today . . .

2015: New Zealand

Friday, 17 February 2017

I Lost my Words

 2015 New Zealand visit. 

No one prepares us for the immense intensity of bringing new life into the world or attending the transition of a loved one from their life.

As if sharing the truth of all possibilities is sacrosanct, yet secret, knowledge one has to personally experience to learn.

We smile politely and avert our gaze when the conversations of birth and death dig deep or turn to questioning the truth of the matter. 

We certainly wouldn't want to scare anyone or, by any means, facilitate anyone feeling uncomfortable.

Truth: birth and death both hurt like your heart has been ripped open and stomped on.

Yes, the recovery process for each hold starkly different trajectories, but the "pain" is undeniable.  
The thin veil between life and death are foremost in both instances.

And yet, there is finally the action of the birth of the newborn or re-birth of our loved one: that which some may only call Death.

"Death" is what is currently on my mind.

Or as I choose to call it: moving on.

I've never used the words "moving on" to describe death before, but in this instance it spilled out of my mouth and remains what I know to be true.

No, not because I fear death or do not believe in the reality of it happening, but because I know that our life on earth is but a grain of sand in the macrocosm of who we are as soul and spirit beings.

Having had words my entire life and a good thirty plus years of helping others through their pain and grief and ups and downs, this past year, on this soul-wrenching journey, I lost my words.

My sweet soul-mate brother has recently succumbed to a year of righteously fighting an aggressive brain cancer; heralded by the last totally lucid conversation I would ever have with him during a phone call just after New Year last year– he had called to express concerns about his memory.

He was as close to a saint as anyone walking this earth gets.

Yes, he was human and had his human moments, but this guy, my youngest of three brothers, seven years older than me, was my go-to-guy on all things heart and soul and pain and growth and life. 

Words can't express the depth of our connection and a book couldn't describe our experiences and how his presence in my life made me a better person.

It's the classic case of "only the good die young" because a younger 62 year old you would never see.

Throughout this past year, with his symptoms of disorientation or confusion, I felt I was witnessing him with one foot on the other side. He radiated love and light. He never forgot his loved ones and the connection was one of pure soul to soul.  Yes, there was a transient period where the affected brain area caused some unpleasant symptoms, but thankfully that was relatively short lived. 

What I know for sure is that he is now with me and he is with our family. 


I know that.  

And as I write this, the revelation hits me: he was my words-person and very early on taught me to use and respect the power of words. 

He was a rare type of man who shared his heart effortlessly, wrote eloquently, delivered beautiful eulogies and knitted meaningful resolutions, using his words, throughout his career as a highly respected mediator.

I could write and write on this experience. 

Or I could never write again.