Friday, 5 January 2018

2018: let me love you

Previously, as the New Year loomed, there was a moment that I felt I should at least go through the motions of pondering goal-setting for the coming year.

Thank you 2017 (& 2015 & 2016, for that matter) for illustrating over and over and over again that life is unpredictable and can be harsh and that "goals" sometimes take a back seat to the journey that appears before us. 

Along wth this year's great loss of dear lives, the stank of the international state of affairs hovering heavy in the air is a constant reminder that I am not "in control" of Life as the illusion of new years and goals likes to make us think we are.

I am, however, attempting to learn from my reactions and actions during the times of acute loss and stress and their aftermaths which reached well beyond the loss of loved ones and into our practical lives as well.

So here, instead of a list of goals, I'm more inclined to write 2018 a memo with the hope of moving on from the fear and loathing of a year the likes of 2017:

To: 2018
From: one with zero expectations

Subject: let me love you

My instinct is to want to start the year cursing you already but I refuse because I heard somewhere to see the change I need to be the change. 

I have learned from your siblings 2015, 2016 and 2017 that Life is unpredictable and although I may declare aspirations, Life may come and knock them down like a teetering tower of stacked alphabet blocks.

I now know that when Life shows its less than kinder and gentler self, I am required to have stamina if I have any chance of being a positive statistic of resilience.

Therefore I must practice that which strengthens me and does not deplete me.

I will work at the practice of living in the present moment and pull myself back to what is factually in front of me when my brain wants to find respite in the "what if's," the "mind-reading" of other's words or deeds and the "catastrophizing"-- yes, there has been an onslaught of sh*t but that does not guarantee that sh*t-trip will continue.

I will practice my centring regimens throughout the day with the knowledge that all is exactly as it is meant to be in this moment for my evolution and learning.

I will mindfully and honestly check in with my mind-body about what it needs for nourishment and movement and rest and creativity and fun, while coming from a place of loving nurturance rather than beating myself up with robotic shoulds and musts and ought to's. 

The key word in that declaration is honestly. When we've lived lives where we push away or hide or run from our own needs, that honest appraisal is no small feat.

Having seen enough punishment for a lifetime and knowing I cannot depend on others for my soothing: I will work at honouring the younger self who was not listened to, was made fun of and led to believe that she could never be enough while at the same time hearing she was too much

Providing the foundation of love and care is my own responsibility and this may involve setting boundaries and saying "no" and therefore spending more time truly alone which is where the self-care of being my own best support can be nurtured as well (sometimes having to work hard to emerge through the drapery of doubt and loneliness).

Yes, Brene Brown, I have embraced the hell out of my vulnerability and 2018 I come to you on my knees like a kid whose fallen from a tall tree and had the wind knocked out of them– so so needing the big inhale.

I get it. 

Life is full of hurts. Vulnerability is our essence whether you carry it lovingly or pummel the hell out of it or run and hide from it.

And I get that beauty and love and potential surround me. And it is that which allows me to push through the pain.

And that is something.

Be kind to yourself and others, 2018, and best wishes to all that have entered your doors.

We so want you to be the one we love.